157 And More

I'm probably going to hate myself for posting this, but here it goes. But one word of warning: if you read this, i dont care who you are, please dont come and try to talk to me about it. If i wanted to talk about it, i would say it in person. I'm here to vent.

I've always had low self-esteem. Even when someone jokes around and says that i look bad or i've gained weight, i take it literally and obsess over it. Lately, it's been my weight. That's what the title of my post means. My weight. Let me state right now, if i could handle being anorexic, i would. I just like food too much to stop eating it all together. And bulimia is disgusting, so i would never even consider doing that. So i'm just sticking to the whole eat right and exercising thing. To be completely honest, I don't like myself sometimes. I mean, i guess i'm an okay person, but nothing that special. I surrouund myself with people who are extrememly smart and talented and beautiful. And then i look at myself and wonder why they even talk to me. I dont do well in school. I cant play more than 1 musical instrument. I'm not as good of a singer. I'm not as good of a dancer. And my personal favorite: I'm not as thin as them.

Some of the people I hang out with don't help me either. For example, and i may be overreacting, but every day i feel like i'm being attacked by my own friends. I'm afraid to speak sometimes out of fear that if I say something wrong, They'll automatically bite my head off. And do you know the part that ticks me off more than anyting else? The fact that nobody ever tries to stand up for me. I'm not talking like they say something and nobody listens. No, I mean nobody says anything. Do you know what that feels like? To be put down by the people closest to you, and when you look to a friend or even a boyfriend for help, I get nothing. Not even a "come on guys, leave her alone.". Even when they see I'm hurt, they laugh. They say i'm overreacting, that i need to get tougher, or that they didnt really mean anyting by it. That doesnt change the fact that they still said it. The damage was done. i love my best friends with all my heart, but i'm almost afraid to hold a normal conversation with some of them sometimes.

Some will even admit that they enjoy making me mad. And nothing will make me madder than if they say that. And then they have the nerve to laugh.It literally makes me want to punch them in the face, even if I love that person to death. And i dont think they understand how much that hurts emotionally. Because friends are supposed to support you, and not make you feel like crap, right? It just makes me feel kinda worthless, to be honest. This just shows me that they have no consideration for my feelings. I'm a caring person, and I would never purpously try to make someone seriously mad. I would appreciate it if people did the same.

Once again, this was just to vent, and my feelings about people havent changed, and they never will. These people will always remain my best friends, because lets face it, who else it gonna put up with me? lol. Even though I get ticked at some of them on a daily basis.........

I could never put every single feeling I have into this because it would take too long, but here's the most of it.