12/26/2018

A letter to my past self. Dear Rachel, The last time you posted on this blog, things were a whole lot different. You were in love with a boy who would someday turn out to be the worst thing to ever happen to you. You don't know this yet, though I wish more than anything that I could go back in time and stop you from having to go through that. Hannah was your best friend. Sorry about that one. You were still planning on going to WVU for psychology. Keep your head up. Things will be rough, but I cant even tell you how amazing your life is now. You're in love, and sharing an apartment with, the most amazing, kind man. He'll help heal your emotional scars, and teach you that you don't need someone to save you. You started your future dream career as an Esthetician. You dumped Hannah as a best friend because she wasn't cutting it anymore and that's okay. It hurt for a while but it was needed for the sake of your mental health. You're feeling a lot right now, and that's okay. Reading my old blog posts makes me want to laugh, cry, and give you a hug. It's okay to feel sad, happy, depressed, misunderstood, and wild. When you reach age 24 those feelings will feel like a story you heard told by someone else years ago. In a weird way, I miss feeling these things so intensely. At the time they felt so heartwrenching, but I don't know if I'll ever feel something as raw ever again. I miss feeling. Things WILL get better. I know this was a hard time for you, but you'll learn to be happy. You'll surround yourself with supportive, kind, positive, hilariously synical people who will carry you through some of the roughest times of your life and you'll see the other side. Enjoy every minute of being young. Dance more at homecoming, flirt more with the boys who you thing are "out of your league" (They'll all try to DM you after high school), maybe even go to a party with alcohol. You'll never regret the nights that you had too much fun, only the nights that you could have and were too scared. I love you. Godspeed.

BHS Band Takes Disney

In five days, the BHS Band will board charter busses and begin our 18 hour journey to the magical land of Orlando, Florida. Yes, that's right, 18 hours...I am sitting next to a very good girl friend of mine, one who is also one of my craziest friends. Around us will be the rest of the frontline and whoever else is misfortunate enough to be in our general viscinity (yeah i really dont know if i spelled that right..). The other ladies and myself have decided the bus ride is going to go a little something like this:

Hours 1-2: excited, happy, still thinking clearly
Hours 3-4: tired, emotional, judgement fading. Heart to hearts may occur.
Hours 5-11: hopefully asleep by this point, may wake up to complain or drink apple
juice
Hours 12-15: very tired, hungry, and snappy. if provoked, may attack each other.
Hours 16-17: Mood improving as Disney becomes closer. Still irritable, currently
plotting the murder of everyone on the bus.
Hour 18: Mood increadibly improves, all fights and emotional breakdowns
forgotten. Act as if our night of sleep was flawless and begin to reek
havoc upon the unsuspecting Disney World-go'ers.

So this is what we expect our trip to be like. Every single day we become more and more excited. I'll write back when we come home next sunday :)

"A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes" <3

I Hate Emotions

I swear, it's just been one of those nights. One minute i'm fine, and then the next I'm a mess. But in the middle of my moodswings, I've come to realize somthing. I'm not who I've been pretending to be. I put up an exterior like i'm not like other girls. I'm tough, i don't get hurt easily, I won't get mad or upset or hurt as easily as other girls will. Well the truth is, i do. I get upset. I cry when i think the boy I love doesn't care about me as much as i care about him (even though i know he does). I can't explain why i feel what I feel, but i think i might have an idea of where it comes from.
Growing up the way I did, if I expressed that my feelings were hurt, or that someone had made me upset, I would be branded as a "cry baby." I can't tell you how many times I would just try to get through to people in my family that they had truly hurt my feelings, and they made my emotins into a joke and hurt me even more. So basically, I've been trained from childhood to hold in all of my emotions and not tell anyone how I'm feeling.
I hate it. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I think other's percieve me when i become emotioal. But most of all, I hate the way I hate my emotions.

..but they never believed we'd really fall in love

"Well I was 16 when suddenly, i wasnt that little girl you used to see.
but your eyes still shined like pretty lights. And our daddies used
to joke about the two of us, but they never believed we'd really fall
in love..." -Mary's Song (oh my, my, my) by Taylor swift.

Have you ever been so insanely happy with your life that nothing could ever ruin it? I havent until now. Words don't even describe how happy I am. It's hard to believe that all of this all started by just a simple facebook friend request after 12 years of not knowing the person i used to call my best friend.

I have only one problem. Distance. oh well, that'll all work itself out eventually, i guess :) but as for now, it's all good and getting better <3

Trust? What Trust?

You hurt me. You may have ruined everything. And you're the guy i used to consider a best friend. Remember freshman year when you did the exact same thing and told someone something I specifically told you not to tell them? You told, and i forgave you. And then last year when you made me go home in tears countless times because of the hurtful things you said? I forgave you then too. Or how about this year when you showed me that my feelings meant nothing to you and you basically can't be trusted? Never forgave you for that one. And so that brings us to now. I told two people I was going to do it. Two. One of those two people had permission to tell you (I don't blame her whatsoever), and even I (against my better judgement) trusted you not to tell him. And I guess I got what I was asking for, because you didn't. Instead, you announced it to the whole lunch table. No off- wait no, I want to be completely offensive here. You're a lying, backstabbing jerk who I will never trust with anyting ever agin. You may be a friend (or you may not be. your choice), but never again will you be a best friend, at least not until you can show me that you mean what you say when i confront you. Because honestly, I don't think you're ever sorry. You're just sorry I got mad, or in this case, that you got caught.
So congradulations to you. You win the prize. What prize is that, you ask? The person to tick me off and make me cry the most out of everyone else in high school. You want a cookie or a sticker?

I'm Pretty Sure Taylor Swift Is Stalking Me

I think every teenage girl feels this way. Taylor Swift just knows how to relate to the girl mind, and I swear to God she writes songs about my life. Want examples? Here are some, and don't even try to tell me they don't:
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Teardrops On My Guitar:
"He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart. He's the time taken up, and he's all that I need to fall into.."

Tell Me Why
"I'm sick and tired of your attitude, I'm feelin like I don't know you. You tell me that you love me, then cut me down. And I need you like a heartbeat, but you know you got a mean streak, makes me run for cover when you're around. So here's to you and your temper.."

Tied Together With A Smile
"Says the only one who doesn't see your beauty is the face in the mirror lookin back at you....And you're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone."

Sparks Fly
"And you stood there in front of me just close enough to touch. Close enough to hope you couldn't see what I was thinking of. Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain. Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile."

A Place In This World
"I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know. I'll be wrong, I'll be strong. Oh, but life goes on. I'm just a girl tryin' to find her place in this world."

Mary's Song (Oh My My My)
"I was sixteen when suddenly I wasn't the little girl you used to see, but your eyes still shine like pretty lights. And our daddys used to joke about the two of us growing up and falling in love and our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes and said 'oh my my my'"

Forever And Always
"you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me. were you just kidding? Cause it seems to me this thing is breaking down, we almost never speak. I don't feel welcome anymore. Baby, what happened? Please tell me cause one second it was perfect, now I'm halfway out the door."

I'm Only Me When I'm With You
"I'm only up when you're not down, don't wanna fly when you're still on the ground. It's like no matter what I do, you drive me crazy half the time. the other half I'm only tryin to let you know that what I feel is true. And I'm only me when I'm with you."

You Belong With Me
"She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts. She's cheer captain and i'm on the bleachers dreaming of the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time. Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you? Been here all along so why can't you see you belong with me?

Mean
"Someday I'll be living in a bige ole city and all you're ever gonna be is mean. Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me, and all you're ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?"

Change
"Well it's a sad picture. The final blow hits ya. Somebody else gets what you wanted, it can't end. You know it's all the same, another time and place. Repeat in history and you're getting sick of it."

Stay Beautiful
"Corey finds another way to be the highlight of my day. I'm takin pictures in my mind so I can save them for a rainy day. It's hard to make a conversation when he's taking my breath away."

Cold As You
"And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you."

Better Than Revenge
"She looks at life like it's a party and she's on the list. She looks at me like I'm a trend and she's 'so over it'...But sophistication isn't what you wear or who you know or pushing people down to get you where you want to go. They don't teach you that in prep school, so I'ts up to me. But no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity."

Jump Then Fall
I like the way I can't keep my focus. I watch you talk and you didn't notice that I hear your words, but all I can think is 'we should be together'."

Long Live
If you'll take a moment, promise me this. That you'll stand by me forever, but if God forbid fate should step in and force us into a goodbye. If you have children someday, when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name. Tell them how the crowds went wild. Tell them how I hope they shine."

The Story Of Us
"I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us. how we met and the sparks flew instantly. And people would say we're the lucky ones. I used to know my place was the spot next to you, now i'm searching the room for an empty seat because lately, I don't even know what page you're on."
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Yes, I'm 99.999% sure Taylor Swift is secretly following me around with a songwriting book and an acoustic guitar.
P.S- Dear Taylor, if you could release a song about reconnecting with an old friend and then going to prom with him, it would be greatly appreciated. For some reason, the music world is lacking one of those. It happens all the time.

I Need To Get Better At Making Up Titles..

Summer is sounding so good to me right now. The sun on my back as me and Hannah run around the field behind her house, horseback riding, playing in the mud, seeing friends all day long withoug worrying about anything exept whose house I'm staying at that night. I always get this way around this time of year. With only a month left of school, I can get pretty distracted.

Take today for example. I had a friend's iPad during Anatomy. My teacher is saying something about the valves of the heart and I'm looking at swimsuits online (Hollister has some cute ones this season, FYI). Summertime ADD? Yup.

Also, frontline auditions started today. That gets me thinking about frontine and band camp, which makes me think about summertime and how hot and wonderful the camps are. Most people hate band camp, but I love it. I'm out all day in the sun all day with heavy equipment and some people I could live without. It's fabulous.

So that's where I am right now, looking forward to bikinis, friends, summer theatre, and perspiring an excessive amount on a football field.